By: Addison Wylie

The following is an unofficial transcript of how I imagine Director McG addressed his cast and crew before a shoot day on the set of the dismally empty romantic comedy-slash-action flick, This Means War.

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DATE: Undisclosed

TIME: Undisclosed

LOCATION: Undisclosed…..but very glitzy.

McG:

Alright, everybody! Can I get everyone gathered over here around me before we get this show on the road?

Beautiful, great! Everyone is here. My trusty crew and my very attractive leads.

So, as you may know for those who have read today’s call sheet, we’re shooting another scene where Mrs. Witherspoon and Mr. Pine will be flirty with one another.

We’ve managed to secure this very flashy, very posh setting to match the charismatic chemistry these pretty people will be cooking up. Chemistry that will undoubtably charm both the ladies and their boyfriends. Am I right?

But while the word “pretty” is being pulled to the forefront, let me chat to Reese and Chris for a moment.

Reese, my piece. Captain Kirk. Your motivation in today’s scene is akin to the previous scenes we’ve shot – constantly remind the audience that you’re hot. That you’re very good looking AND as an actor, you’re a hot commodity.

It’s very important that you constantly bat your eyes and smile until your jaw is sore. If your jaw starts to hurt, do one of those closed mouth smirks; maybe raise an eyebrow too.

Today’s scene is about you two playing “hard to get” with each other. Remember Chris, you’re attracted to Reese’s character Lauren because she’s gorgeous and you’re in deep competition with Tom Hardy’s character, Tuck.

Hardy keeps trying to be more dashing to win her heart but you, with those cute boyish eyes and that winning smile, step on his game, right? It’s funny, people will find that funny.

Which reminds me. Tom. You’re going to have to be more….cute. I’m not saying you aren’t a cutie to the ladies already, but you need to flaunt it more.

These past few days, you’ve been looking distracted. As if you’re thinking about character development or future career moves. Don’t! Let it all go! Be more like Chris and try out those smirks I was talking about earlier.

Reese? Just do that “oblivious female thing” you’ve been doing. After your fantastic award-winning turn in Walk The Line, people will see this role and be very curious. They’ll see that you still have the ability to be in movies like this.

Now, crew! Listen up!

These three very pretty people are going to be winning audiences over with their good looks. Our job is to emphasize that even more.

For instance, let’s backlight these scenes even more – with even brighter lights.

I want these powerful beams to outline just how perfectly coiffed everyone’s hair is, how seamless their make-up is, I want paying customers to be focused directly on the sincerity of physical perfection.

Hope everyone has fun today and has a good story to tell family and friends by the end of the day.

Right, story! I always forget this one.

Remember, people, this film is one half a romantic comedy with another half of action. Our screenwriters are still figuring out where to squeeze these action beats in.

I’m sure we’ll find a spot for them. When we do, we’ll call in the baddies, hand them the script, and hope they don’t look unprepared or bored as they have been lately.

Let’s make some art! Some very hot art that could run in this month’s GQ.